All of My Heart
by AgentScully264
Summary: On one lonely night, Scully cradles William and reflects on the night that Mulder was forced to leave them both behind.


Title: All of My Heart  
Author: AgentScully264  
Rating: PG  
Summary: On one lonely night, Scully cradles William and reflects on the night that Mulder was forced to leave them both behind.  
Spoilers: "Within" and "Trust No 1"  
Disclaimer: Do I really need to do this *again*? Fine. The X-Files belongs to Chris Carter and the folks at Fox and 1013, not to me. God knows if the show DID belong to me, it would have ended with "Existence" where I think it should have. Also, the small snippet of a song is "While You Loved Me" by Rascal Flatts. Great song, if you're interested.  
Feedback: Write me at dixichx3@yahoo.com, but be patient... I don't get to check my mail terribly often. Constructive criticism is always welcome, but no flames please. If I wanted flames, I'd go spend the afternoon with the rest of my gay friends.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
"Life and death, energy and peace. If I stopped today, it was still worth it. Even the things that I have done, and would have undone if I could have. The terrible pains that have burned me and scarred my soul. It was worth it for having been allowed to walk where I walked. Which is to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above it."  
  
~Gia Marie Carangi  
1960-1986  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The day Mulder had left was the worst day of Dana Scully's life. She knew why... she understood that for him to be safe, he had to leave her and their son. But understanding why he had to leave didn't make the fact that he was gone any easier.  
  
As Scully sat on the couch in her apartment, cradling young William in her arms, she looked into his eyes. And, at that very moment, she saw Mulder looking back at her. This child - their child - was his father's son through and through. Right down to his nose and that tiny, pouty bottom lip. And as she gazed at their son, she found it hard to think back on the days she and Mulder had shared together. Those seven glorious years of partnership they had had while on the X-Files. Through those years, they had been through so much, but little did either of them know the mental and emotional trials they would each soon be asked to endure.  
  
He had left her the first time, returning to Oregon where it had all begun. All he had wanted to do was protect her, and she knew that. But after he had been abducted, she couldn't help but blame herself for his disappearance. If only she had gone... maybe, just maybe, she could have done something to prevent it. But as fate would have it, she stayed behind, only to have the the most miraculous and painful news revealed to her in the following days. Yes, Mulder was gone, but what she had gotten in return was a new, miraculous life forming inside herself. Many nights she sat in her apartment, alone, wondering if the trade she'd been forced to make was a fair one.  
  
Still, as she held her sleeping son in her arms this night, she knew that the trade was indeed fair. For all the pain she'd had to endure, for all she had given up for Mulder, and for all Mulder had given up for the both of them, in the end there was no price too great for the miracle that lay sleeping in her arms tonight.  
  
The loss, the worry, the terrible pains they had both been forced to bare - it was all worth it to have William in her life. Even with it all, with all she was grateful to God for giving her, she felt it unfair that just when she was given her son, her beloved Mulder was once again taken away from her. For how long, she didn't know. Months? Years? Forever? Who really knew? But the loss she felt was immense.   
  
****  
  
She remembered very clearly the night he had left. She'd known this was a painful decision for him to have to make. He didn't want to leave them, of course, but what else could he do? He would rather die alone than have to live with the guilt that his unwillingness to leave had brought any harm to Scully or to William.   
  
They had spent that entire day together in her apartment. And in those hours, as far as either of them were concerned, they were the only people that existed on earth. No one and nothing else mattered.   
  
Mulder had spent the entirety of that morning clinging to William, holding his tiny son and whispering inaudible sentences into his tiny ear. At one point, a broad smile had crept across young William's face and Scully was sure that he understood whatever it was his father had just said to him. Once William had fallen asleep, it had taken Mulder nearly and hour and a half to finally lay his son in his bassinett. Scully had watched this from the other end of the couch, noticing, painfully, the look of despair and regret that had washed across Mulder's face.   
  
Then, at that moment, it had been their turn. Just Scully and Mulder - their moment in time. He had held her so close to himself on the couch, whispering in her ear, stroking her auburn hair, taking in the very essence of what was Scully. He had held her so tight, unwilling to let go, knowing that in a short time he would be forced to let go of her for, perhaps, forever.   
  
When reality had started to take its toll on her, when she really realized that she would only have him for a few more hours, she had held tighter to him than ever before. Feeling her shudder in his embrace, he had gently lifted her chin, gazing into her piercing blue eyes, as a single, perfect tear rolled down her pale cheek. With a gentleness she had never known from him, he had reached up and wiped it away with his thumb, his hand lingering there, caressing her cheek.  
  
Eight years of partnership, friendship, trials, death, and life, had all lead them to this very moment in time. A bittersweet moment this had been for the both of them - In love more than ever, but knowing that with each breath they took, their time together was growing thin. Slowly, so softly, he had leaned in and kissed her inviting lips. She had reveled in the feeling of his lips on hers, realizing that this might be the last chance she would ever have the chance to do so - to know the physical love of the man who not only held her life, but held her heart as well. The kiss had not been fevered or hasty, not one of lust, but a kiss of true, undying love.  
  
With time running short and only a few precious moments left together, Mulder had gotten up and turned on the stereo. As he returned to the couch, he had extended his hand to Scully, beckoning her to come to him. He had pulled her close, their bodies pulled tightly together, each taking in the scent and the feel of one another. In that moment, a bond was made that no others would ever come close to sharing. Of that, she had been sure.   
  
*I was born the day you kissed me  
*And I died inside the night you left me  
*But I lived  
*Oh, how I lived  
*While you loved me...  
  
How strange it was, she had thought, that fate would put that song on that radio at this moment. As it ended, Scully had looked once again in to Mulder's eyes, knowing that their time together had come to an end. Walking over to his bassinett, Mulder had leaned in and kissed his son's tiny forehead, stopping to smooth his blankets and caress his small hand.  
  
Then he had come to Scully, knowing that this would be his one final goodbye. And in five small words, he had summed up the emotions they both shared.  
  
"All of my heart... forever."  
  
With that, he had leaned in to kiss her one last, glorious time, tears streaming down both of their faces. And, with that, he had picked up his bags and disappeared into the elevator and into the memories she had left of him in her heart.  
  
****  
  
Again, Scully sat on this same couch, holding William and thinking about the night when the man she knew she loved more than anything on earth had given her the most noble gift of all, while the most painful at the same time: he had left to save them both.  
Suddenly, a thought came to her as she sat alone, thinking of what once was and all that was yet to be. Slowly, carefully, she stood and placed William gently into his bassinett. Even if fate had destined she and Mulder to spend their lives apart, and that her son would never know is father face-to-face, Dana Scully would not let the memory of the love they shared die out. William would know his father. He would know the love his parents had shared - for each other and for him. He would understand what he truly meant to them both. And, most importantly, William would understand the true depths of his father's love. His willingness to sacrifice it all, simply, because he loved them both.   
  
So, gathering her thoughts, Scully began to write...  
  
"One day you'll ask me to speak of a truth - of the miracle of your birth. To explain what is unexplained. And if I falter or fail on this day, know there is an answer, my child - a sacred, imperishable truth. But one you may never hope to find alone. Chance meeting your perfect other, your perfect opposite. Your protector and endangerer. Chance embarking with this other on the greatest of journey's - a seach for truth's fugitive and imponderable. If one day this chance may befall you, my son, do not fail or falter to seize it. The truth's are out there. And if one day you should behold a miracle as I have in you, you will learn that truth is not found in science, or on some unseen plane, but by looking into your own heart. And in that moment you will be blessed; and stricken. For the truest truth's are what hold us together - or keep us painfully, desperately apart."  
  
~Fini 


End file.
